singled out.
So, if I may, let me introduce myself for those of you who may not know me…
My name is Calysta Rivera. I am 27 years old and I am also an Administrative/Executive Pastor, a women’s small group leader and also a worship leader at my church.
I have a Corgi pup named Boots that I absolutely adore and I tend to keep a busy schedule that sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out and quit. To top it off I live this crazy life as a single woman, but above all, I am content.
Being single in a world of couples is difficult. Especially, if you are in the ministry and following Christ. You don’t know how many times I have heard “you need to be married in order to work in the ministry” or “you’re so beautiful, how are you not married yet?”
All this to say is, I get singleness. I get process, and I get waiting on God to answer your prayers.
Did you know that single adults are the largest unreached people group in America? 51% of adults between the ages of 18-34 are not married in US according to Bureau of Labor and Statistics 2018. Singles now outnumber married adults with 124.6 million singles in America (Bureau of Labor and Statistics August 2014).
So, for those who are also going through this life single, this is for you.
**Quick disclaimer though to my married friends : this is in no way shape or form bashing marriage. Marriage is a gift and with it comes its own challenges and blessings. Just like singleness does. But for today we are going to focus on singleness.
While not all Christian singles enjoy the experience of singleness, the Bible does say that there are benefits to being single. And whether you want to be single forever or if you want to be married as soon as possible, we should all take advantage of the biblical benefits of singleness while we have the opportunity to do so.
So, here are a few tips that have helped me during this process (we may not get to all of them today but let’s start anyways) :
Know that your Singleness is a GIFT.
Singleness is not a problem meant to be solved. It isn’t a curse that needs to be lifted. And while there may be pain in process, there shouldn’t be shame. I don’t care if the world tells you that you are incomplete without a partner (that’s a lie from hell!). Singleness isn’t suppose to magnify your faults or the dark areas that make you believe you are the cause for not being married, it’s meant to be a gift that you can freely enjoy.
“Singleness should not be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. God, in his love, grants either as a gift.” - Stacy Reaoch
Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NLT that biblical singleness is a gift because it provides an opportunity to focus on God in a direct way free from common distractions:
32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
While marriage may bring joy, help, and relief in certain areas, it immediately multiplies your distractions because you’re intimately responsible for this other person-his or her needs, dreams, and growth. It’s a high calling and a good calling, but a demanding one that will keep you from all kinds of other good things. I sometimes think the greatest temptation in singleness is to assume marriage will meet our unmet needs, solve our weaknesses, organize our lives, and unleash our gifts. And most of my married friends would say that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Therefore, for the not-yet-married or those that don’t desire to ever be married, our singleness is a gift. It really is. If God leads you to marriage, you may never again know a time like the one you’re in right now. With God’s help and leading, you have the freedom to invest yourself, your time, your resources, your youth, and your flexibility in relationships, ministries, and causes that can bear unbelievable fruit.
What else has helped me?
2. Stop Waiting to be Chosen.
One of the most sweetest and beautiful truths the Lord revealed to me was: Stop waiting to be chosen. I have a right to choose.
That paradigm shift was huge, because it took me out of the waiting, into the living. I learned that I wasn’t waiting to be CHOSEN by a man—I had already been CHOSEN by the Lord, and when a man comes into my life, I will choose if he was who I want. When I began to live from the posture that I choose, rather than waiting to be chosen, I started living fully in my dreams.
I traveled to different parts of the world, I read all the books that I wanted, I drowned myself in God’s Word, I became a pastor, I started preaching, I finally started writing again, I started mentoring young ladies, became a woman’s group leader, I got a dog… I started living life! I wasn’t putting any part of my life on hold, waiting for a man or for marriage. There are promises over our life, but marriage isn’t a guarantee, it is only a desire.
At the end of the day, I want God to write my story. Which requires trust. I have to trust His timing and His ways, which actually requires me to throw all my timelines and requirements out the window.
It doesn’t matter how old I am. It doesn’t matter if the average age of married women is 28 and me being 27 surely puts a rush on things. It doesn’t matter if people around you ask, “Aren’t you afraid you won’t have children?” I am not going to settle. I’m not going to just settle with whoever pursues me next because there aren’t any other options. Remember, I choose and I’m not choosing that. I’m choosing a man I’m crazy in love with, and I’m choosing a partner who I know I will have a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage with.
Getting married isn’t an item on a checklist. It is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make and you’ll be living with that decision every day for the rest of your life. We want to make that decision from a healthy place, so take these years of singleness and allow the Lord to do the transforming work He needs to do.
Allowing God to truly love me is the best decision I have ever made. He was mine and I was His. This truth became so real to me. He showed me that ultimately, He had to be the One to satisfy me. He showed me broken parts of my identity, helping me discover that first and foremost, before anything, I was His beloved daughter. This will always be my identity before I can ever become a wife. I learned what it was for Him to be my Source and my Counselor. I learned to rely on His Spirit even above my emotions. Although my emotions are valid, at the end the day, they cannot determine who I am. He must.
I encourage you to allow Him to heal the broken places within you, so when you do choose your partner you are making that decision from a place of wholeness, and not looking for someone to complete you or disguise the dysfunction within you.
My years of singleness have been full of sweet moments with God. I still feel pursued and desired by Him. Sure, there may be lonely nights and tears, but experiencing the love of my Heavenly Father who is jealous for me calms any emotions that may be stirred up along the way.
I hope these tips have encouraged you during your waiting season. Next week we can dive even deeper into this subject!
Catch you all next week!